it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
