i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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