I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
