He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
