Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
