My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
