oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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