A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You are the jesus of drinking
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize