Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
