12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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