My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
