Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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