Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
