I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
