But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
