I hope my margaritas pass through security.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
