I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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