Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
