Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My ass is underappreciated
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
