cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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