He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
