He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
