you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
