It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
