Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
