***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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