I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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