Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize