I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
