I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
