You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
