And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize