You smell like a Billy Joel song
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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