If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
