Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
