Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
