during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
