i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
please come you make the beer taste better
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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