Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
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