Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
