So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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