Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
