I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
