It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
