I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
