worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
