the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
