But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
