it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
