so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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