So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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