i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
