listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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