Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize