I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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