She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
