I have demons in me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
