I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
