Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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