"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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