I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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