my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Found your dick twin last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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