So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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