He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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