Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize