If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
