Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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