she was so not down for the gang bang
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
