3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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