You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
