Swine flu. Run for my life!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Randomize
