I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
